We're back with another story with a happy ending! This passage is from an ex-IIScian and QUASI member.

"I am Gourav. I identify myself as a queer cisgender man and this is my coming out story.

‘Coming out’ in my understanding is not an occasion, it is a gradual and never-ending process. An ordeal that queer people like me go through again and again to one person after another. The first person that I came out to was my best friend in college. We had known each other for five years by then and I was petrified of ruining our friendship. So, one night I sent her a text saying I have been meeting up men from online dating sites. She was taken completely by surprise but handled the news with utmost maturity. She researched all night about homosexuality and what it meant it be gay in India. Next day, she gave me a tight hug and said she loved me just the same. This was right before I was finishing my masters in Bhubaneswar.

From my childhood I had known about my attraction to men. During my high school those feelings grew stronger. Puberty is a confusing time as it is, growing up gay in a conservative family made things harder. I had had my experiences with boys while in school, but I didn’t have the necessary education about sex or sexuality. I was unaware how natural it was to be gay; the word ‘queer’ did not exist in my vocabulary and I spent a miserable time admonishing myself for my perversion. It was during college that I had the chance to educate myself. Thanks to access to the internet, I now knew that I was not alone and there were many others who were born different. But self-acceptance took a good couple of years. Bhubaneswar was pretty conservative and my college not open enough to have a support group for queer students. But I had started reading and researching more about famous people who have come out. Their stories gave me courage but not enough to speak to my family yet.

In 2014, I moved to Bangalore to start my doctorate program at Indian Institute of Science. Very soon I got to know about the queer group at IISc. It was a lovely bunch of gay people, some of them very much out and proud about their sexuality. For a person who has just come to terms with his sexuality, it was a much-needed support system. I also discovered Bangalore has a very thriving gay scene and an openness that allows you to embrace your queerness. In a few months after moving to this city, I had gathered enough courage to take the first step to coming out to my family. My brother is 8 years older to me and I figured it would be the logical first step to come out to him first. I wrote an email to him saying “I am gay and I have known it since quite some time.” Thankfully my brother congratulated me for being brave enough to come out but asked me if I was absolutely sure and told me I should give myself more time to understand. A word of advice, if anyone comes out to you please do not ask them if they are ‘sure’. That year I attended my first Pride march in Bangalore with my then partner and his friends.

Like I said before, coming out has been a gradual process for me. By my second year of PhD, I had come out to quite a few of my close friends and my brother but I was still scared to talk to my parents about who I really was. Sometimes my mother would call me while I was out on dates and I would have to lie to her. Once they visited me in Bangalore and I had to introduce my partner as a friend to them. Every time I lied to them, it felt like I belittled my existence and hurt my self-respect. Finally, once when I was home, I sat my mother down and made her watch the episode on homosexuality from Satyameva Jayate. I told her I liked men. My mother was surprisingly calm. She suggested that I focus on my PhD rather than my sexuality. I realized she was in denial and would probably need more time to process the fact. Considering the many years that I had taken myself to accept my own sexuality, I was ready to give her the time. However, my mother maintained a silence about the topic for another couple of years. I had to come out to her again!

In the mean time I had met Kahran; a funny, smart and handsome man, whom I would like to call my husband one day. This was an out and proud man whose family was equally unapologetic of their child’s sexuality. They were a shining example, right in front of my eyes,of what acceptance looks like. I decided it was time my parents met him. This time when my parents came to Bangalore, I told them I would like them to meet the man I am dating. They were totally unprepared for this and still uncomfortable with their son’s sexuality. We had some heated arguments but they agreed to meet Kahran for breakfast. It was a short and civil meeting; my parents’ minds were still not clear of all the societal prejudices but I was happy nonetheless at the small victory. Fast forward one year and Kahran and I had decided to get engaged. We had been together for four years at this point. His parents have been supportive of our decision but my parents still cannot wrap their heads around the fact that a man would want to marry another man.

Over the time I have consciously been more visible as a queer person. Over the years, I have come out to a lot of people around me. I have been privileged to not have any negative reactions from them. I defended my PhD thesis beginning of this year (right before the pandemic hit us). My parents, Kahran and his family attended the defence. I introduced Kahran to my PhD supervisor as my fiancé and he immediately congratulated us. It was a small gesture but speaks tons of the changing tides. Kahran and I celebrated our engagement in Bangalore with our close friends and family. My parents did not join us for the event. My father still believes gay people can exist but should not marry. Recently a friend asked why I ever choose to come out to my parents. I think that was because I hoped they will be able to accept that. My parents will love me but not my queerness. While my sexuality might not define me completely, it is a big part of me. I still hope that one day my parents will also come around and not for once do I regret coming out to them. It might not have been a smooth journey but one that helped me earn my self-respect."

We have read in newspapers about same sex couples in India marrying. This is a first when a colleague from IISc is engaged. We are super happy and excited for Gourav. We wish him all the best for his future.